Thursday, April 30, 2009

...A word of advice...

One of my pet peeves is when I talk to someone and share my heart with them, but they don't seem to listen. You know what I'm talking about. That person (or persons) who you go to expecting to get words of comfort, and you leave the conversation feeling worse than before. I am ashamed to say that tonight I was that girl.

I got a phone call from my mom tonight telling me that my older brother, Jeremy, had some tissue removed from his back last week. The results came back that it was pre-cancerous tissue. Jeremy's tissue was in the same spot as my dad's first major melanoma, and Jeremy is the same age, 27, as my dad was when he found out about his cancer. So mom is justifiably worried, who wouldn't be?

For some reason I was unable to fall asleep when I laid down in bed an hour ago, God just kept tugging at my heart to keep me awake and I feel like He did that so I would be coherent when Matt, my younger brother, called me about 20 minutes ago.

Matt called to see if I had heard about Jeremy. I told him that I had, but that I wasn't too worried about it. See here is where I became the sister who makes her brother feel like he was silly for being worried and that his feelings were invalid. All Matt wanted to do was to share his heart with me, share his concerns with me, share his struggles with me. All I did was tell him that life's not fair, and God's got a bigger plan.

I spoke when I should have been silent.

I realized almost instantly what I had done, but the damage was already there.

Proverbs 15:4 says "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit."

I was a spirit crusher tonight, and I am not proud of that.

I love both of my brothers dearly and I am concerned that Jeremy is at a much higher risk for developing melanoma, but part of the way I cope with things is to be overly realistic, and to have a ridiculous amount of hope in God.

Knowing that I can't control cancer or my own life for that matter makes it easier to deal with for some reason. I don't know why it just does.

Knowing I have not learned to control my tongue, however, makes me sad. My chosen field is largely centered around the mouth, speech, and all that goes along with communication. How ironic that my biggest struggle is what God has called me to help others with?

For most of the year I had the following verse up on the whiteboard in my kitchen:

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26

Apparently it hasn't quite sunk in yet...or maybe it will be a continuous battle. I do know however, that my current lesson is to not be so quick to voice my opinion. One more anecdote and I'll leave you to the rest of your day. I love Brandon Heath, and I've had his new cd playing in my car for a few days now. After my experience tonight I'm reminded of the lyrics to one of his songs. So read them, meditate on them, and if you have any advice to give I'd be happy to hear it, and hopefully I won't give any unsolicited opinions for a while.

Much Love!

The song is called "Listen Up" and it's you should listen to it on itunes...or (shameless plug I know)

Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren't we just talking?
Tell me whats going on.

Cause I’m pretty sure my intentions
Were nothing more than conversation
Maybe you just needed someone
To listen to your heart

Maybe I spoke too soon
Maybe I said too much
Now that my face is blue
Think it’s time I listen up
I’ve already said enough

Sometimes I do this
Thing is I’m so afraid
When it get’s quiet
What you might have to say

Cause I’m guilty of
I’m lost in my
Own translation
I apologize, I know I
Should listen to your heart


There isn’t anything that I could say
Not a word to get in the way
Of you, Of You, I am listening


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

round and round we go...

What's up with the circle? Why is it continuous? Why are things that are "inexplicable" attributed to a circle. The circle of life. The "inner" circle. The 7th circle of hell. The circle of trust. A circle of friends. The LaSalle circle. Isn't it funny how circle sounds a lot like circus...which in my mind conjures an image of something completely nutty, entertaining, and full of interesting characters.

I experienced the "circle of life" last week when my nephew, Daniel, was born.

I am at a point in my life where one chapter, one journey has come "full circle." I arrived in Waco nearly 5 years ago with all of my important belongings jammed into Ziggy my trusty red Blazer. Now I find myself trying to figure out how to fit all of my current "important things" into Olive and tote them back to Corpus.

Wheels are seems like no matter the context, circles bring us to our next destination. The circle of life is eternally spinning, turning the youngest generation into the next to youngest generation.

Circles of friends and "inner" circles often change with the stages of our lives and certain people in those circles tumble with us to the next go-round.

If I really was emphasizing parallel structure I'd make some witty reference to Dante here, but I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't read it when it was assigned for class :/

On to the next quip:

The circle of trust. I hope since you're my friend and reading this that you have enough pop culture knowledge to catch this allusion. Robert DeNiro's circle had to expand as his life changed, it had to include Greg and Dr. Bob...otherwise it would have come to a complete halt.

The circle on LaSalle is just nuts...there's a reason that there are shirts made that say "I survived the circle." If you forget to look around you on that circle, you could end up going nowhere for a very long time, but if driven correctly that circle can send you in many different directions to various destinations.

What circle are you on? Where is it leading you? What part of it is inexplicable? The people? The location? Your hopeful destination?

There's one thing about going 'round in circles though....if you circle for too long you can get dizzy and have a terrible stomach ache. (Can I get an amen from the sensitive tummies in the crowd?) So how do you deal? You can't close your eyes, 'cause then you miss everything around you. You can't slow it down, because the speed of your circle is not up to you in the slightest. You just have to hold on, take some pepto, and hope for the best.

Here's to circles...all of them...the ones I mentioned, the ones I've forgotten, and all the others in between.

Blessings to you!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The trinity....

Today seemed like it would be a normal "day before a test" however I got some news about 30 minutes ago that totally rocked my world.

When I was a freshman at Baylor I met a girl named Jess. She and I quickly became friends, due to our love of "people watching" and the discussion of the foolishness we saw. She would sit on the bench outside memorial and smoke and when I wanted a study break I'd sit with her and enjoy the company. I always knew I could count on her for a good bit of gossip or sound advice.

After freshman year Jess transferred out of Baylor and we lost touch quickly. I saw her once when she came back for a visit and sadly couldn't make it to her baby shower when she was due this past year.

I got a text message from Brandon earlier tonight asking me if I had heard that Jess died and I thought it was a joke. Being the nerd that I am I googled it and I found this link:

My sweet friend did indeed pass away.

I will always remember the great conversations with Jess and Brandon...we often called ourselves the "Trinity" since we were usually found together.

I still can't believe that Jess is gone. I know her family has got to be hurting, and that her little girl will surely miss her, but I am glad that Jess left a legacy with her friends and definitely for little Adela.This is a picture of us at the "smoking bench" during freshman year.

Just goes to show how quickly life can change.