Tuesday, March 24, 2009

it's just one of those days...

I woke up feeling great about an hour ago...and for some reason I just had a wave of sadness wash over me. I miss my dad a lot, but the intensity of the feeling is what changes on a day-to-day basis. I don't know who to talk to about this stuff...hence the blog. I mentioned my dad yesterday to a close friend and they visibly stiffened because they didn't know what to say. I don't want to burden anyone with my grief, but I wish I felt more comfortable sharing it in person with the people I care most about. Let me give you the reader's digest version of my dad's story.

Dad had a stage 4 melanoma removed from his back before I was born, about 25 years ago-ish. My older brother was around then, but Matt and I only saw the scar leftover from the surgery. So Dad was careful about the sun, and "cancer-free" for the next 25 years. Then, last march/april Dad was undergoing testing for some "masses" on his kidneys, lymph nodes, and other areas. The diagnosis came back as melanoma in his lymph nodes. Toward the end of April he had surgery to take out the affected nodes and then traveled to Waco for graduation.

Everything seemed okay, dad was chuggin along, his doctors said everything was fine (or so we were told by dad) but then at the end of the summer Dad told me that he was starting two rounds of Chemo. He took the chemo pills so it was pills for a week then off for 3. Dad did a round in Oct. and Nov.

The week before thanksgiving I got a call from my younger brother telling me that Dad was in the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia (he had pressure on his lungs, and couldn't breathe very well.) Matt was flying out to Albany to see dad for the week of thanksgiving so we were all comforted by that.

The thursday before thanksgiving I got the call that it wasn't pneumonia causing my dad to be short of breath, it was the cancer. The cancer had spread to Dad's lungs and kidneys and was basically taking over. The whole family made plans to fly up to Albany the day after thanksgiving to see Dad.

We saw dad the saturday after thanksgiving...and man I had no idea what to expect. The man who I had known as strong and enduring was suddenly weak, and withering away. That weekend with dad was so hard, but I'm so glad that I got to have that. Living half a country away makes it difficult to see family very often. We flew back to texas the tuesday after turkey day and dad died a week later.

I wish I could describe my pain and relate my feelings without feeling like I'm begging for sympathy, I'm not. I just need an outlet and this has provided it.

Through all the pain and tears over my dad I have learned that God is faithful and His plan is so much bigger than mine. I believe that He can use even stinky situations for good, and I can't wait to see what he does with this.

Blessings to you today!

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