Shipwrecked....

...that was the title of the sermon in church this morning. Mark talked about the emotions associated with semi-crisis situations, from frustration, to trying to problem solve, to the realization that sometimes we have to accept help.

I'm going to be transparent and honest with you all, lately I've been in a spiritual rut-so to speak. Well, it's not recently-lately, but more like since November. Since the day I found out that my dad's cancer had spread I have had so much difficulty having an authentic relationship with God. I've been going through the motions hoping that something would change, but I'm just spinning my wheels deeper and deeper and getting nowhere. Tonight as I attempted, yet again, to have a true quiet time with God I finally had a realization:

I'm stuck in a rut because I'm afraid to get out of it.

I am afraid of growing close to God and losing someone else important to me.

Illogical? Yes.

Does that make it any less true for me? Nope.

I think that identifying my problem is a good place to start for me, and realizing that I'm afraid allows me to look to God to show me exactly what steps to take to overcome that fear. I say things like that last sentence and I want to mean them, but it's so hard. How can you feel okay about something when it's not okay?

I have another confession to make. I never stopped to ask God why my dad died when he did. And when I would talk with my brother and he would question God's motives I would give the standard answer of: it's part of a bigger plan that we can't see yet.

See the problem with me is that I get the whole "bigger plan thing" but sometimes, I forget to really look at and feel everything that goes along with the process of painting that bigger picture. I never took time to feel sorry for myself that my dad died, cause I mean really, God lost his only Son for a whole world of yucky people. Where do I get off being mad with a God who would do something like that for me? There I go being logical and rational again, dangit.

So now that I've realized that I'm terrified, maybe I'll let God pull me out of the rut I'm in. I know that I can't get myself out of it, and I think maybe I haven't truly wanted to break free yet. Hopefully, this time I'll be receptive to God's helping hand even if it means pain and loss and maybe all these months of going around in circles will give me some sort of insight to help another. Otherwise I'm going to have to keep faking it till I make it, right?